A study of preschool children and their parents in Hong Kong found that parents’ perfectionistic tendencies were linked to their children’s development of relationship skills, and that the children’s capacity for forgiveness played a key role. Parents showing higher perfectionistic strivings (setting high but constructive standards) tended to have children who were more forgiving, which in turn was associated with better relationship skills.
In contrast, parents with higher perfectionistic concerns (focusing on criticism and failure) tended to have children who were less forgiving, which was then linked to poorer relationship skills. The paper was published in the International Journal of Behavioral Development.
Relationship skills are abilities to build and maintain collaborative and supportive relationships with different people. These skills include empathy, communication, sharing, conflict resolution, and understanding others’ feelings.
Developing strong relationship skills helps children build friendships, work well in groups, and navigate social challenges. These skills also lay the foundation for emotional intelligence, which supports success in school and later in life. Good relationship skills can reduce behavioral problems and promote mental well-being. The importance of these skills has grown as modern children may spend more time online and less in face-to-face play, where social learning naturally occurs.
Parents play a crucial role by modeling respectful communication and empathy in their own relationships. When parents actively listen to their children, encourage cooperation, and guide them in solving disputes, children learn by example. Family routines that involve teamwork—like shared chores or games—strengthen these abilities. Open discussions about emotions help children recognize and manage their own feelings and understand others’. Conversely, parental behaviors like harsh criticism can impair the development of these abilities.
Study author Sum Kwing Cheung and his colleagues wanted to explore whether mothers’ and fathers’ perfectionistic strivings and concerns for their children’s performance were associated with their children’s later relationship skills. They proposed that these parental tendencies might affect children’s forgiveness, which would, in turn, contribute to the development of their relationship skills.
These researchers analyzed data from a larger longitudinal study on the effects of family dynamics on early socio-emotional development. Study participants were 226 first-year kindergarten children and their parents. The children’s average age was just under 4 years old (3.89 years), and 43.9% were boys. All participants were ethnically Chinese.
Data were collected at three time points, each six months apart. At the first time point, participating parents completed an assessment of their perfectionistic strivings and concerns about their children’s performance and an initial assessment of their children’s relationship skills. At the second time point, they completed an assessment of their children’s forgiveness. At the final time point, parents completed the assessment of their children’s relationship skills again.
Parents’ perfectionistic strivings refer to setting high performance standards for their children in a constructive way. In contrast, parents’ perfectionistic concerns involve a focus on their children’s inability to meet high standards, often accompanied by criticism and disappointment.
Results showed a clear indirect pathway. Parents who reported more perfectionistic strivings tended to have children who were more forgiving six months later, and this higher level of forgiveness predicted better relationship skills at the final time point. Conversely, parents who reported more perfectionistic concerns tended to have children who were less forgiving, and this lower level of forgiveness predicted poorer relationship skills. The effect of parental perfectionism on relationship skills was fully explained by its effect on the child’s forgiveness.
The study authors tested a statistical model showing that perfectionistic strivings positively influence forgiveness, while perfectionistic concerns negatively influence it. Forgiveness, in turn, directly fosters better relationship skills. The results supported this proposed model.
The study authors concluded that their findings support the critical roles of both mothers and fathers in developing forgiveness and relationship skills. “It demonstrates that different ways of conveying high performance expectations to children can result in different developmental outcomes,” they summarized. “As such, it is of utmost importance to help mothers as well as fathers recognize the effective ways to communicate with their young children to promote early relationship skills.”
The study contributes to the scientific understanding of how parental attitudes can shape children’s social development. However, it should be noted that all the data used in this study came from parental reports, leaving room for reporting bias to have affected the results.
The paper, “Parents’ perfectionistic tendencies predicted early relationship skills: Children’s forgiveness as a mediator,” was authored by Sum Kwing Cheung, Bertha H. C. Kum, and Rebecca Y. M. Cheung.
