Most Americans experience passionate love only twice in a lifetime, study finds

Most adults in the United States experience the intense rush of passionate love only about twice throughout their lives, according to a recent large-scale survey. The study, published in the journal Interpersona, suggests that while this emotional state is a staple of human romance, it remains a relatively rare occurrence for many individuals. The findings provide a new lens through which to view the frequency of deep romantic attachment across the entire adult lifespan.

The framework for this research relies on a classic model where love consists of three parts: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion is described as the physical attraction and intense longing that often defines the start of a romantic connection. Amanda N. Gesselman, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, led the team of scientists who conducted this work.

The research team set out to quantify how often this specific type of love happens because earlier theories suggest passion is high at the start of a relationship but fades as couples become more comfortable. As a relationship matures, it often shifts toward companionate love, which is defined by deep affection and entwined lives rather than obsessive longing. Because this intense feeling is often fleeting, it might happen several times as people move through different stages of life.

The researchers wanted to see if social factors like age, gender, or sexual orientation influenced how often someone falls in love. Some earlier studies on university students suggested that most young people fall in love at least once by the end of high school. However, very little data existed regarding how these experiences accumulate for adults as they reach middle age or later life.

To find these answers, the team analyzed data from more than 10,000 single adults in the U.S. between the ages of 18 and 99. Participants were recruited to match the general demographic makeup of the country based on census data. This large group allowed the researchers to look at a wide variety of life histories and romantic backgrounds.

Participants were asked to provide a specific number representing how many times they had ever been passionately in love during their lives. On average, the respondents reported experiencing this intense feeling 2.05 times. This number suggests that for the average person, passionate love is a rare event that happens only a few times in a century of living.

A specific portion of the group, about 14 percent, stated they had never felt passionate love at all. About 28 percent had felt it once, while 30 percent reported two experiences. Another 17 percent had three experiences, and about 11 percent reported four or more. These figures show that while the experience is common, it is certainly not a daily or even a yearly occurrence for most.

The study also looked at how these numbers varied based on the specific characteristics of the participants. Age showed a small link to the number of experiences, meaning older adults reported slightly more instances than younger ones. This result is likely because older people have had more years and more opportunities to encounter potential partners.

The increase with age was quite small, which suggests that people do not necessarily keep falling in love at a high rate as they get older. One reason for this might be biological, as the brain systems involved in reward and excitement are often most active during late adolescence and early adulthood. As people transition into mature adulthood, their responsibilities and self-reflection might change how they perceive or pursue new romantic passion.

Gender differences were present in the data, with men reporting slightly more experiences than women. This difference was specifically found among heterosexual participants, where heterosexual men reported more instances of passionate love than heterosexual women. This finding aligns with some previous research suggesting that men may be socialized to fall in love or express those feelings earlier in a relationship.

Among gay, lesbian, and bisexual participants, the number of experiences did not differ by gender. The researchers did not find that sexual orientation on its own created any differences in how many times a person fell in love. For example, the difference between heterosexual and bisexual participants was not statistically significant.

The researchers believe these results have important applications for how people view their own romantic lives. Many people feel pressure from movies, songs, and social media to constantly chase a state of high passion. Knowing that the average person only feels this a couple of times may help people feel more normal if they are not currently in a state of intense romance.

In a clinical or counseling setting, these findings could help people who feel they are behind in their romantic development. If someone has never been passionately in love, they are part of a group that includes more than one in ten adults. Seeing this as a common variation in human experience rather than a problem can reduce feelings of shame.

The researchers also noted that people might use a process called retrospective cognitive discounting. This happens when a person looks back at their past and views old relationships through a different lens based on their current feelings. An older person might look back at a past “crush” and decide it was not true passionate love, which would lower their total count.

This type of self-reflection might help people stay resilient after a breakup. By reinterpreting a past relationship as something other than passionate love, they might remain more open to finding a new connection in the future. This mental flexibility is part of how humans navigate the ups and downs of their romantic histories.

There are some limitations to the study that should be considered. Because the researchers only surveyed single people, the results might be different if they had included people who are currently married or in long-term partnerships. People who are in stable relationships might have different ways of remembering their past experiences compared to those who are currently unattached.

The study also relied on people remembering their entire lives accurately, which can be a challenge for older participants. Future research could follow the same group of people over many years to see how their feelings change as they happen. This would remove the need for participants to rely solely on their memories of the distant past.

The participants were all located in the United States, so these findings might not apply to people in other cultures. Different societies have different rules about how people meet, how they express emotion, and what they consider to be love. A global study would be needed to see if the “twice in a lifetime” average holds true in other parts of the world.

Additionally, the survey did not provide a specific definition of passionate love for the participants. Each person might have used their own personal standard for what counts as being passionately in love. Using a more standardized definition in future studies could help ensure that everyone is answering the question in the same way.

The researchers also mentioned that they did not account for individual personality traits or attachment styles. Some people are naturally more prone to falling in love quickly, while others are more cautious or reserved. These internal traits likely play a role in how many times someone experiences passion throughout their life.

Finally, the study did not include a large enough number of people with diverse gender identities beyond the categories of men and women. Expanding the research to include more gender-diverse individuals would provide a more complete picture of the human experience. Despite these gaps, the current study provides a foundation for understanding the frequency of one of life’s most intense emotions.

The study, “Twice in a lifetime: quantifying passionate love in U.S. single adults,” was authored by Amanda N. Gesselman, Margaret Bennett-Brown, Jessica T. Campbell, Malia Piazza, Zoe Moscovici, Ellen M. Kaufman, Melissa Blundell Osorio, Olivia R. Adams, Simon Dubé, Jessica J. Hille, Lee Y. S. Weeks, and Justin R. Garcia.