Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photo: Courtesy of Alexi Wasser
Alexi Wasser, fixture of the indie creative scene between New York and Los Angeles, loves to overshare. For years she hosted both “Boycrazy Radio” and the Love, Alexi podcast as well as the Alexi in Bed web talk show. Now, she’s oversharing on-camera, with her directorial debut, Messy, a “neurotic sex comedy romp” about newly single Stella Fox (played by Wasser), who moves to New York after a bad breakup, and, like so many newly single New York dwellers, explores a series of disappointing dalliances. In Wasser’s own words, the film is “a coming-of-age story about a woman who should have already come of age. Nudity. Lots of nudity.”
Messy has a pretty stacked cast, including Ione Skye, Mario Cantone, and Ruby McCollister. And while Wasser may be new to directing, she’s always known the value of an artist’s eye — her father, who passed away a year and a half ago, was photographer Julian Wasser, best known for his portraits of Joan Didion, among many other American cultural icons of the 1960s and ’70s.
Messy premieres in New York on October 5 with a Q&A moderated by Chloë Sevigny, and in the lead-up to the film’s debut, Wasser let us in on her rules for dating, social media, and dealing with famous people.
Your film, Messy, has so much to do with dating and romance. What is your No. 1 rule for dating?
My God, I should have more rules for dating. I’ve gone on so many dates with boneheads because I wasn’t very discerning. So my No. 1 rule for dating is I gotta get some rules for dating. Thanks for reminding me. For a minute I would just go out with anyone who would put their attention on me and make any bit of effort, and maybe was a little bit handsome.
My character in the movie has this really long list of dating requirements, but they all contradict each other, because I feel like lots of girls have these impossible standards, like their manifestation lists that we really want a man to live up to, but we’ll never find it. Maybe we will. I’m still holding out hope. On my list: kind, funny. My height or taller (I’m five-11 and a half). Hopefully a master at what he does. And you know, not an asshole. Not a monster, anyway.
How willing are you to break those rules?
Every damn day. In the past, my type has been, you know, upright with a pulse.
Are you on the apps?
I am. I’m on Raya. I’ve dipped my toe into Hinge a tad, but I’m always wildly disappointed.
Do you message them first?
No, absolutely not. No messaging first. I never initiate, because it’s already like shooting fish in a barrel. As far as being a woman, if you’re looking for a heterosexual relationship — I’m just speaking for myself, I date men — you’re already there. You’re making it so easy for the guy; the least he can do is message me first. So it’s kind of like we’re doing some old-timey romantic courting thing. And I believe it to be true that men like the chase, so it’s already very easy for them on the app. I want the type of guy who’s going to initiate and show that he cares and make it very obvious that he’s pursuing me. Until then, I’m alone. I am currently single.
What are your rules for dating-app photos?
I have a few red flags: a selfie that they take in the bathroom where they don’t even realize there’s a residual toothpaste splatter or pus on their mirror. Also, so many men, the ones to avoid, have photos of themselves as if they took it from the point of a woman giving them a blowjob. I don’t know if that’s too crass — from like, the crotch up. It’s like, what are you doing? My dad’s a photographer. You’re not supposed to take photos of people from below. It’s a bad angle. And I don’t know what this is supposed to signify.
What are your rules for selfie taking?
Because my dad passed away, and I’m in charge of his photo estate, I’m going through all of his photos, and I’ve been finding a lot of photos that he took of himself, like in the ’50s, ’60s, ’70s, ’80s. So selfies are nothing new. I found a lot of unfortunately scandalous photos my dad took of himself. Anyway, my selfie rules: Try not to look too miserable. Windex the mirror that you’re taking them on. And no photo of an open toilet seat in the background.
What are your rules for sexting?
Okay, well in Messy, my tits are out nonstop. Because I’m proud of my body. It’s a personal story. They’re just going to get worse, and everything’s going to fall to shit. For guys I’ve never even met in real life asking for videos or photos of my tits, no fucking way. You’ll end up regretting it. Even if you have a nice relationship with them, if it ends or something changes, you don’t want to know that you have this vulnerable piece of yourself out in the world. Unless you make your own movie, and your tits are out the whole movie. Then that’s powerful. That’s empowerment.
If Instagram is the best dating app, what are your rules for DM-ing?
We know that we’re there for romance, for sex, for fucking, for dating. I might initiate if I have my eye on someone and I notice they’re watching my Stories. Honestly, that’s how you do it: You don’t DM a person on Instagram. You wait until they post a Story. You like the Story, or you send a witty comment or reply about the Story. That’s it. It doesn’t look desperate. It doesn’t look too try-hard.
Do you think people should disclose if they’re dating more than one person?
I think they should use a condom with every partner. It seems like nobody wants to wear condoms anymore at all. You gotta wear condoms. That should be enough to say, Hey, it’s not just you and me, baby. You don’t want to kill the mood, but you could just sprinkle in a vague like, I am seeing other people. A big phrase in New York is I’m talking to people, or we’re talking. Where you keep it vague, you’re not locked in, you’re not tied down. Be charming and sexy about it, and vague. That’s all.
Do you think it’s okay to ghost after one date?
I’m sensitive. I don’t like being ghosted. I like communication, and I hate feeling misunderstood or unheard. I want to treat people the way I want to be treated. So I don’t ghost and I don’t like ghosting, but sometimes it happens.
What’s your No. 1 rule for breaking up?
I’ve learned you don’t have to hate the person or be vicious or wish some ill will. You can just be like, We tried. It’s not working. Good luck, baby. And then just keep it moving. As opposed to, I fucking hate them, and like I’m never talking to them again, and I wish them the worst. No, just get out of there.
What about rules for working on set?
As with dating, it’s communication. This is my feature film directorial debut. When you’re making a movie, all you’re doing is communicating your needs and your wants, and you have to communicate differently depending on who you’re talking to. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.
It’s just fun to have that as a memento, forever for you. That’s really cool. What are your rules about oversharing? What do you keep to yourself versus share in your art?
I’ve realized they’re two different things. In the 2000s I had a blog, I had a podcast. I would share everything in video form and in my writing and just really put myself out there. And eventually, at this point in my life, I’ve taken my podcast off the internet. Years ago, I got rid of Twitter and Facebook. And even though I still Story a lot on Instagram, all I have is Instagram. I don’t share as much of my personal life in a raw form like that. I just want to put it all into my next movie. So there’s this movie, which is personal and autobiographical but heightened. And now I want there to be a little bit of a buffer. I want to be a little bit more protective, and I’m realizing I don’t have to share everything. I took all this shit off the internet because I didn’t want to have my coming-of-age online with like, every Cobrasnake photo of me out when I’m like, 16 years old. I don’t want a record of every version of myself who isn’t me anymore out in the ether.
What’s your No. 1 rule for walking on the street in New York?
Wear Gucci loafers or bright white low-top Vans. I just wear them with everything. And I put my headphones in, the wire headphones, and I listen to music or a podcast or I listen to nothing, but I have my headphones in so nobody talks to me.
What’s your No. 1 fashion rule?
I just wear a uniform. I have, like, ten of the same black button-down tops, same, you know, white button-down Uniqlo blouses. They’re affordable. They look chic. They look expensive. Multiple pairs of the same jeans I found that fit me from Reformation. They’re long. I get them tailored. A black belt, gold hardware. Black Gucci loafers or white vans. And then I put my face on, minimal makeup: lip liner, a swoosh of mascara. I let my hair air-dry. I call it sloppy chic, and I’m ready to face the world.
And I always get my nails done.
What rules do you have in your home?
Keep everybody out. Nobody’s invited. I live alone. I’m an only child. It’s my safe-space sanctuary. I always have Spindrift Grapefruit in my refrigerator because that’s my go-to drink. I’m currently not drinking alcohol because I’m too fun when I drink. And I like my apartment to smell like two scents, either a tuberose Diptyque candle or a Chateau Marmont candle. This is something new and major for me: Because I live in a shoebox in Manhattan, in order to feel better about my space that I inhabit, I started referring to it as a pied-à-terre.
What’s your No. 1 rule for gift giving?
Never show up at somebody’s house empty-handed. Whether it’s bringing a bottle of Champagne or Martinelli’s sparkling apple cider or flowers.
What is your No. 1 rule for parties?
My first real answer is stay home. My second answer is something I heard Howard Stern say: You don’t need to mingle and walk around. You pick one spot at the party, whether it’s a chair or a couch, you pick one spot, you stay there the whole night, then everybody will come through, and they’ll visit, and they’ll say hello, then you’ll have meaningful conversations, then you’ll get the hell out of there. One spot, stay put. Or just don’t, don’t go out at all. You get the gist.
Do you dine solo?
I love it. I love going places where I just love being in the environment, whether it’s like a New York classic, like Balthazar, because of the cozy booths. And then I love to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations.
Do you have any rules for talking to strangers?
Be funny. Be charming. Add to the conversation. I’m good at that. I love talking to people, but I’m a people-pleaser, so I have a thing built in me where I try to make other people feel comfortable and laugh.
What’s your No. 1 rule for friendship breakups?
Oh, they break my heart. I’m kind of learning that now, as I change. My father passed a year and a half ago. I made this movie. I’m getting older. So I’m changing and I’m realizing that friendship breakups do happen. I’ve been asking myself, What is it I expect of friendships? I’m realizing I think I expect too much, and I’m realizing that different friendships are different levels of cozy and different levels of intimate.
Last question: You’ve been talking a lot about getting older and having your life documented over time. What is your No. 1 rule for aging gracefully?
I’m proud of this. I’m 43 years old. I’m fucking 43 and I’ve never been happier in my entire life because, you know, if you don’t get to this age, it means you’re dead. So I’m still alive. I’m grateful to be alive. I have a lot of curiosity. I have a lot of young friends. I’ve got bangs. I haven’t done Botox. No Botox, no filler, no nothing, as of yet. Red light, collagen masks from Omni Lux, the NüFace roller. And I heard from a supermodel that the secret is not filler. Don’t do filler. It’s bad news. I do Transcendental Meditation to calm my very loud chatter in my brain. I don’t drink. I am a social smoker. I probably still think I’m 26. I try to be nice to people and not gossip and be kind and loving. I’m just trying not to be my own worst enemy and just keep my head down, focus on my own art and what I want to contribute to the world, mind my own business, and just have a really great core group of friends whom I love who are kind to me, whom I feel really safe and cozy with.
And then, and then, you know what? It’s all fine. Let me get haggard and let my tits fall into my shoes. Who gives a fuck? It’s all good. We’re all just gonna die anyway. So what are you gonna do? Have a sense of humor. That’s the most important thing.
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