Illustration: Emma Erickson
Dear Emily,
I turned 40 yesterday and my husband did not deliver. No card from him or from my kids. No gift of any significance. Probably worst of all, he slept in accidentally and I had to get the kids up for school. When we finally had a moment to discuss, I told him my birthday had been moved to tomorrow and to redo it. If he screws it up again, not sure what happens. Make him my butler for a month? Just stew in resentment until my 50th? I typically don’t expect much on my birthdays, but this one felt important, and he knew I had an expectation. Am I being immature about this? What’s the best way to move on from milestone birthday disappointment?
Signed,
Birthday Blues
Dear Birthday Blues,
I’m so sorry, Birthday Blues, that completely sucks. Especially the part about your husband sleeping in — for some reason that’s the worst part for me. I also know from my own experience that sometimes we think we’re being clear about our expectations but all we’re really being clear about is that the pressure is on for something big to happen. Unfortunately, that’s not enough to prevent screwups, and my generous interpretation is that this is what happened here.
That said, is your husband only bad at birthdays, or is he bad at recognizing you and your specialness in general? Do you feel like he ordinarily does a good job of being supportive and looking for ways to help you celebrate the good moments in your life, as well as being there for you emotionally during the bad ones? Or is there something larger going on where he’s just kind of generally taking you for granted, and this birthday screwup has confirmed that for you?
If this is indicative of a bigger issue, get thee to couples therapy posthaste. But if it’s a more isolated incident, I have some concrete suggestions that will at the very least make your next birthday celebration go more smoothly.
Do you have a dedicated back-channel friend or relative? I find it helpful to use my best friend for this purpose. About a month before my birthday, I have a conversation with her about some specific ideas for gifts and plans. I don’t even say that I want her to convey this information to my husband, but we both know that’s what’s up. Sometimes I’ll even send her a link to a sweater or a piece of jewelry. That way, I rest easy knowing that when my husband inevitably asks her for advice, she’ll know exactly what to say.
My other suggestion is to be crystal clear with yourself and everyone around you about what you expect to happen on your birthday. You don’t have to wait another year to do this one. I think if you know your husband is inevitably going to flop at birthday planning, you just have to accept his shortcomings and plan something special for yourself. When I turned 40, it felt like a big deal to me, too. Forty is a major life transition with plenty of cultural baggage surrounding it, and I knew I wanted to salve all those big feelings with a really big party. So I planned a huge blowout for myself and invited everyone I had even a passing acquaintance with. Basically, if I knew your email address, you were on the list. (A better party planner would have realized this would make for awkwardness, but smushing unrelated friend groups together is part of what makes birthday parties special.) I bought a dress for the occasion and had my hair and face done by a professional in case anyone took photos, which unfortunately they didn’t, but I felt confident knowing that I was wearing eye makeup, which is normally beyond my skill set. I did of course warn my husband that this was all happening and enlist him and a few friends to help with prep and party-supply acquisition, but otherwise the main driving force behind this celebration of me was … me. And I was fine with that! I wouldn’t have trusted anyone else to execute my specific vision.
That’s not to say I’m not sympathetic to your specific birthday vision, which involves being treated extra-well by your husband and kids, surprised with a nice gift, and maybe taken out for dinner with child-care arrangements made by your husband. (I’m inferring that last part, but who doesn’t want that?) You’ve asked for a redo, but have you been specific about what you want that redo to look like? You could say something to your husband along the lines of this: “On my special day, I want to be the one who sleeps in while you get the kids to school. I want you to supervise the kids as they make me heartfelt, adorable cards. I want a card from you, and I want a gift that you’ve consulted one or more of my close friends about in advance. And I want to go out to dinner without being consulted about where to make a reservation or needing to text anyone about who’s taking care of the kids.” If you break it down for him like that, there’s no way he can screw it up. One hopes.
But just in case he does or even if he doesn’t, have a backup plan in place, a birthday present to yourself from yourself. Take a day off work and spend it doing whatever you like, whether it’s getting a massage or strolling a museum or shopping or watching a marathon of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Doordash a doughnut and a latte for $35. Buy yourself flowers, candy, and most important, a cake. Share the cake, but only if you feel like it. You only turn 40 once, or twice, or as many times as it takes to get it right.
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