Some people struggle to forgive themselves because they remain stuck in cycles of guilt, shame, and self-condemnation that threaten their sense of identity and agency, according to a study published in Self & Identity.
Why do some people find it nearly impossible to forgive themselves, even years after a mistake? While self-forgiveness is considered a key step in emotional healing, the path to forgiving oneself can be deeply complex. Researchers have found that excessive guilt and shame are linked to many forms of psychological distress, including depression and anxiety, but the actual experience of being “stuck” in self-blame has been understudied. In the current research, Lydia Woodyatt and colleagues fill this gap by exploring the lived experiences of people who either had or had not been able to forgive themselves for a perceived wrongdoing.
The authors were particularly interested in a theoretical tension between two basic psychological needs: agency (the ability to control and influence one’s life) and social-moral identity (the need to see oneself as a good person). Previous studies suggest that failing to meet either of these needs can block self-forgiveness. For instance, people may avoid taking responsibility in order to protect their moral identity, but doing so can leave them feeling powerless. Conversely, accepting full responsibility may preserve a sense of agency but lead to overwhelming shame. To understand how these conflicting needs play out in real life, the authors adopted a qualitative, narrative-based approach.
The researchers recruited a diverse community sample of 80 adults across the United States using Amazon Mechanical Turk. Participants were prompted to recall and describe either a time they were able to forgive themselves for wrongdoing, or a time they were unable to do so. Of the final group, 41 participants described being unable to forgive themselves, while 39 described being able to. The events spanned a range of contexts, including interpersonal betrayals, personal failures, harm to others, and more. The authors also collected demographic information such as age (21-79 years), gender (53.8% female), and ethnicity (68.8% White).
Participants answered a series of open-ended questions, including prompts such as why they felt the need to forgive themselves, what strategies they used to try to do so, and how they felt about the event now. The average response time was longer for those unable to self-forgive (10 minutes) compared to those who had self-forgiven (7 minutes), suggesting greater cognitive and emotional complexity. Researchers conducted a reflexive thematic analysis, supplemented by inter-rater reliability checks, to identify key psychological patterns in the responses.
Four central themes emerged. First, participants who could not forgive themselves often described the event as if it were still happening. The past felt vividly present and replayed in their minds with intense emotional weight. These individuals remained “stuck,” feeling as if they had not moved forward in life. In contrast, those who had self-forgiven emphasized a shift in focus toward the future. They still acknowledged regret, but no longer felt consumed by it, and described an active decision to release the emotional hold of the past.
Second, issues of personal agency emerged as a defining feature. Those unable to self-forgive frequently alternated between feeling responsible and trying to deny or downplay their role. This tension was especially acute when the wrongdoing involved caring for others, such as in cases of parental regret, accidental harm, or even after being victimized themselves. In contrast, those who were able to forgive themselves accepted both responsibility and their human limitations. For them, self-forgiveness did not mean letting themselves off the hook but recognizing what they could and could not control.
A third theme involved social-moral identity. Participants who remained stuck in self-condemnation often described feeling incompatible with their own moral self-image. They questioned whether they were “good” people and sometimes resorted to self-punishment to reinforce this internal conflict. Meanwhile, participants who had forgiven themselves tended to accept that being a good person could coexist with having made mistakes. They reframed the experience as a lesson and sometimes even used it to recommit to important values, such as being a better parent or friend.
Finally, coping strategies differed between the two groups. Those who had not self-forgiven typically used avoidance, trying to distract themselves or suppress painful thoughts. While this offered short-term relief, it often prolonged emotional distress. On the other hand, those who had forgiven themselves described a painful but productive process of “working through” their guilt. This included allowing themselves to feel the full emotional impact of their actions, talking with others, and making meaning from the event. For them, the goal wasn’t just to feel better, but to understand themselves better.
The authors note that their analysis was shaped by their own theoretical lenses and that participant responses may have been influenced by how questions were framed. The sample was also limited to English-speaking U.S. adults, which may not capture cultural variations in guilt, shame, and forgiveness.
This study highlights that self-forgiveness often requires navigating complex psychological tensions and engaging deeply with one’s values, emotions, and identity. By understanding these conflicts, clinicians and researchers can better support individuals who are stuck in self-blame.
The research, “What makes self-forgiveness so difficult (for some)? Understanding the lived experience of those stuck in self-condemnation,” was authored by Lydia Woodyatt, Melissa de Vel-Palumbo, Anna Barron, Christiana Harous, Michael Wenzel, and Shannon de Silva.
