Photo: Saeed Adyani/Netflix
Okay, let’s run through Morgan and Joanne’s makeup because you could kind of tell exactly how it was going to go down. Our very tall weirdo Sasha is quite sweet even if he tries to be hard, and he was never going to keep that secret!
When Noah forbids him from telling him any gossip (no fun! He doesn’t realize how juicy this is!), Sasha decides to hell with it; he needs to tell Morgan. “I need some sweet release from these chains!” he tells her while on speakerphone with Joanne in the room. (She’s there to record a podcast, not because she wants to be.) Her cover was blown the entire time; Rebecca was lying. Good on Joanne, she apologizes immediately. I mean, Morgan makes her do it again, this time on her knees, and more sincere, but she does it. She tells Morgan that not only is she sorry for what she said but that she’s an amazing business partner and her best friend. She loves her. One thing I’m really digging about Nobody Wants This is that, unlike a lot of shows, the characters here own up to their mistakes pretty quickly. Nobody is perfect, but everyone, eventually, owns that. It’s refreshing! Like Sasha, I, too, enjoy the sweet release of those chains that come with watching people go out of their way to keep a lie going or the problems that arise from miscommunications that could be solved with a simple conversation. This show gives us the simple conversations. Very refreshing.
It’s perfect timing, really, since once Morgan hears that it’s not just Rebecca trying to tank her sister’s relationship with Noah, it’s his entire family and they are all currently at a bat mitzvah together, Morgan has exactly zero time for this shit. They are going to that bat mitzvah, no one fucks with her sister except for her!!
Poor Miriam. We already know she hates her bat mitzvah theme (Miriam Take A Bite Out of the Big Apple) and her dress (hideous), and we know Bina’s the boss here, but, like, not one person said, can we cool it with the giant basket of apples our tiny 13-year-old daughter is supposed to carry through the crowd? No one needs this. Of course she trips. Of course, we later find her upset in the bathroom, cutting her dress into something even semi-cute. (Thankfully, by that point, her mother is more than happy to assist.) This is supposed to be Miriam’s day, guys!
The fall isn’t totally bad. I mean, it’s definitely embarrassing, but right after she gets up, Joanne and Morgan bust through those doors all dolled up, and I guess no one has seen blonde women in dresses before because everyone is looking in awe at them. Weird, if true! And while this is Miriam’s thing and I did legitimately clap when Noah tells her that today she becomes an adult but it’s not as overwhelming as it sounds because “it turns out it mostly just involves canceling dinner plans,” and that is so true it hurts, we’re really here to wrap up this thing with Joanne and Noah.
Joanne has big news: After brunch with her friends and about thirty seconds of Googling, she has decided to convert to Judaism. If Nobody Wants This gets a season two, which I am not opposed to, I hope we iron out Joanne’s character. Sometimes, she reads as a type A, deeply passionate, smart person, and other times, she is the exact opposite. Her speech to Noah that she wants to be a part of his world and that she would do anything for him is very romantic, but she couldn’t she have done a little more research? When Noah is understandably ecstatic about this — hey, men really can have it all! — says that she really wants this for herself too, right, and that she’s “committed to the spiritual journey” it will entail, like, of course Joanne looks terrified. She hasn’t thought through any of this! She does, however, go right up to Bina and give her a hug to let her know that she’s “not going anywhere,” and honestly, Bina had that coming.
Although, hands down the best “actually, fuck you” moment comes from Morgan bumping into Rebecca and asking her if she’s finished Where the Crawdads Sing, the book she was reading at the bar, and when she says no, Morgan responds, “Great, um, Kya’s the murderer, so…” and bops away. That’s master-level bitchiness, and I bow down at Morgan’s feet.
Joanne seems to be having a great time at the bat mitzvah, tearing up the dance floor with her sister, getting in on some Hava Nagila, and slow dancing with her guy as he completely overwhelms her with what converting to Judaism will consist of because he is just so completely, wildly happy. But a few things happen, and the evening takes a turn.
Joanne notices Rebecca get upset and leave. She tracks her down outside of the party, seemingly to see if there’s a fence to mend there, or maybe she just senses Rebecca’s hurt and wants to be kind. Whatever it is, I love that Nobody Wants This gives Rebecca this moment. It allows her to be much more fully dimensional. She’s not some bitter woman obsessed with getting married; she is someone who had dreams and hopes for her future, and they all got crushed. She apologizes for lying to Morgan; that wasn’t her, although it felt good. “You’re the opposite of what he’s always wanted,” she tells Joanne. Rebecca is just confused as to how someone like Joanne would fit into Noah’s life. When she tells Joanne that being married to the head rabbi comes with a whole host of responsibilities, responsibilities that Joanne hasn’t even begun to think about, she isn’t being cruel; she is being honest. Joanne does seem overwhelmed by the pressure of it all. “It should feel like good pressure, you know?” Rebecca tells her. It should feel like an honor and a privilege to represent the temple and to be the head rabbi’s wife, but Joanne doesn’t get any of that. “I hope it’s what you want,” she says before walking away. Again, none of it is mean or catty; she’s the one person telling Joanne the truth about this huge decision she’s making. It’s not all romance and joy, and it’s going to be difficult, too.
Right after that conversation, Joanne sees Noah talking with Rabbi Cohen, who basically tells him that, yes, the board has to approve, but he basically has this in the bag. She sees how happy Noah is — this is his life-long dream coming true. She has to pull him aside.
It’s always felt like we would end up with some version of this conversation, but that doesn’t make it any less sad or tragically romantic. Like, just punch me right in the heart, Bell and Brody! Joanne loves Noah (and he loves her, too), but it is because she loves him that she can’t convert. She isn’t ready, and she doesn’t know if she will ever be. Desperate, he tells her they can slow things down and that he doesn’t want to lose her. “You need me to be something that I can’t promise that I can be. If I falter even a little bit, your whole life blows up. That’s not fair to you.” It is very mature and sincere. Would any of her podcast listeners ever believe she was having this conversation?
Joanne tells Noah something he already knows: He can’t have both things. He can’t have her and his dream job, his dream life. “And I would never make you choose,” she tells him before leaving and ordering him not to follow her.
It should be the happiest night of Noah’s life. Word is spreading that he’s sure to get the gig and people are congratulating him. When his dad sees him sad sacking at a table, he reminds him that “this is what you wanted your whole life,” he should be proud and excited. But you can see it all over my man’s face: Maybe this isn’t the dream anymore. Maybe something (someone!!) else has become the dream. I do not care how cheesy that is, friends; I fucking live for the thrill of the end of a romantic comedy, okay? Let me have this! You know he is going to go to her!!
Joanne takes the shuttle to the parking lot, in tears. At one point, she thinks he has followed her, but it’s a rando kid. It’s really over, she’s thinking.
But Noah is waiting for her in the parking lot. NOAH IS WAITING FOR HER IN THE PARKING LOT. Of course she wanted him to follow her, but she still has no idea how this could ever work. “You’re right,” he tells her, “I can’t have both.” And then he takes her and he kisses her and it is so unbelievably good. Guys, she might get pregnant! I might get pregnant! He can’t have both and he is choosing her.
This ending is perfect because if this is all we get of Joanne and Noah’s story, it is a satisfying conclusion. But it also 100 percent sets up a second season — there would be so much to mine from this turn of events. We’ll have to wait and see. For now, I’m going to take it upon myself to rewind to all of the kissing scenes because, I’m not sorry to say, nobody is kissing like Kristen Bell and Adam Brody are kissing. That might be (it definitely is) a weird thing to say, but I’m standing by it.
