The neuroscience of limerence and how to break the cycle of romantic obsession

PsyPost’s PodWatch highlights interesting clips from recent podcasts related to psychology and neuroscience.

On Friday, January 30, the Sex and Psychology podcast, hosted by social psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller, featured Dr. Tom Bellamy. The episode explored the neurobiology of limerence, a state of intense romantic obsession, and examined strategies for breaking the cycle of unwanted attachment.

The conversation began by defining limerence not as a disorder, but as a biological trait that can be integrated into one’s emotional life. Bellamy explained that while the euphoric “fireworks” of new attachment are powerful, they typically fade within a few years. He noted that chasing this specific high often traps people in a cycle of serial monogamy, preventing the formation of stable, companionate love.

Later in the episode, the discussion shifted to the neurological similarities between limerence and addiction. Bellamy described a process where the brain’s dopamine-driven “wanting” system becomes sensitized, acting like an accelerator pedal pressed to the floor. Simultaneously, the prefrontal cortex—the area of the brain responsible for self-control and decision-making—becomes weakened, effectively releasing the brakes.

To counter this, Bellamy emphasized the need to strengthen executive function and “wake up the mental CEO.” He recommended mindfulness practices to interrupt subconscious habit loops, such as recognizing the urge to check a text message before acting on it. He also highlighted that foundational health habits, including proper sleep and exercise, create a “halo effect” that improves cognitive bandwidth for emotional regulation.

A more aggressive strategy involves “devaluing” the object of affection to break the cycle of idealization. Bellamy introduced the concept of the “daymare,” a technique where individuals deliberately alter their pleasant daydreams to include negative or rejecting endings. This approach uses negative conditioning to replace feelings of comfort with aversion.

Bellamy clarified that the purpose of this negative visualization is not to harbor permanent resentment. Instead, the aim is to accelerate the psychological process of extinction, where the brain stops expecting a reward from the person. The ultimate goal is to reach a state of neutrality, viewing the former partner realistically as an ordinary person with normal flaws.

You can listen to the full interview here.