Photo-Illustration: Marylu Herrera
In this week’s story, a woman contemplates an affair and tries to take her husband to couples therapy: 35, married, Brooklyn.
DAY ONE
6 a.m. I’ve been lying awake since 4 a.m. I woke up with so many thoughts: I need to order new sponges. I don’t have any tights for the winter. I think my credit-card statement and worry I got charged double for something.
7 a.m. Make coffee and try not to wake my husband. He worked until the middle of the night and I want him to feel rested. We have our first session of couples therapy today.
8 a.m. He’s awake. He’s already on his phone. This is one of our biggest issues. He’s always on his phone. The upcoming election has him obsessed with the news and anxious about politics. He’s a die-hard progressive liberal, as am I, but it doesn’t control my life! He’s fixated. I admire his passion but it’s disturbing how hooked he is on every single podcast, tweet, article, and news update. I tell him to put his phone down so that we can drink our coffee together and talk about the day, and he looks at me like, “You’re such a nag.” He doesn’t say that. But I can tell he feels scolded, and now there is tension. This is our pattern.
9 a.m. We’re on the subway to Bay Ridge, where I found a therapist who takes our insurance. My husband is in finance and I’m an art teacher. He’s taking the morning off for this appointment, which he wants a ton of credit for. However, we both know he never takes time off from work, so it’s not such a sacrifice. What’s one morning?
11 a.m. Well, that was interesting. We left therapy without even touching on our biggest issue: We have not had sex in a year. My husband talked about fucking politics the entire time and why it’s so important to him that Kamala wins. Wow. I tried to interject but he just kept talking and the therapist was, I think, trying to make him feel safe and free to be himself. Anyway, that felt like a bust to me. My husband is off to work and I’m going back home.
2 p.m. Like I do every single day, I lock our apartment door, take out my vibrator, and masturbate. I recently started looking at porn with one woman and two men. I love seeing dicks and penetration. That didn’t use to be the case — I only watched lesbian porn. Now, I guess, I miss seeing dick.
4 p.m. Head to the market to get ingredients for dinner tonight — I’m making salmon teriyaki.
8 p.m. My husband comes home from work around now. We always have a glass of wine and dinner together. He says he liked the therapist. I bite my tongue because I don’t want the conversation to devolve and result in us not going back to therapy.
11 p.m. We watch a movie together while my husband scrolls the entire time.
DAY TWO
6 a.m. I’m up and uneasy again. I’ve been seriously thinking about having an affair. I had a dream last night about having sex with this random person I knew in art school, which was more than ten years ago. I think I came in my sleep. Now I’m just in a weird headspace about it. I decide to see if that guy is on Instagram. I can’t find him anywhere.
8 a.m. My husband is off to work. He looks handsome. I’m still attracted to him, I just don’t know what’s going on with us. We met six years ago on Tinder. We fell in love fast and had a good sex life. It wasn’t the best sex of my life, but it was good “marriage material” sex. We’d do it once a week and both came. It was pretty vanilla but no red flags. Over the last three years, we both had various health issues (I don’t want kids but basically found out I couldn’t have them even if I did) and each went through a weird depressive funk, and then we just stopped doing it! We had sex once, about a year ago, and it felt forced and awkward and I am almost positive my husband faked coming. I came by touching myself while he fucked me. When we talk about sex now, he says he’s just too tired after work, and that “one day soon, I’m going to rock your world.” He’ll be flirty like that. And then nothing. We never kiss.
9 a.m. I head to work at the private school where I teach art a few days a week. I love my job and love the people.
1 p.m. There’s a married teacher, E, I know a little bit. He’s gorgeous. I decide to give him some extra attention, just to test the waters. Who knows … maybe his marriage is in shambles like mine? He responds well to my line about needing a drink after work, and tells me to find him at the end of the day.
3 p.m. When I go to find E, his room is all packed up and he’s gone. Probably for the best.
4 p.m. Take out the vibrator right when I get home. I think about E fucking my brains out and come within a minute.
8 p.m. We eat the leftovers from last night while my husband scrolls. There’s tension. I ask if he wants to book a vacation this winter. He says we should definitely do that.
10 p.m. I look at various deals and flights while secretly wondering if we’ll even make it to the winter. After about an hour, I say “good night,” and kiss him on the cheek. Maybe he’ll follow me to bed …
11 p.m. He doesn’t.
DAY THREE
9 a.m. E is in my classroom apologizing for last night. His kid called him about feeling sick, so he ended up leaving school a little early to help him. He mentions that his wife is the breadwinner and always at work, and hints at some frustration there. Is he giving me a sign to keep flirting? I’m like, “we really need that drink!” We say we’ll try to get together later in the week.
12 p.m. I text my sister about our dinner plans later. I have a doctor’s appointment near her place in the city. We make a plan for sushi later. I love my sister, she’s my best friend.
4 p.m. Head into Manhattan. I have endometriosis and fibroids and all that fun stuff. She and my sister are the only people who know I haven’t had sex in a year. She asks if I want to talk about antidepressants. I really don’t. I know my husband needs them but the few times I’ve mentioned it, he’s shut me down.
6 p.m. It’s great to see my sister. I can actually laugh about my situation with her. She totally thinks I should have an affair. But she’s a non-monogamous, non-conformist lesbian who thinks marriage is bullshit. She tells me she’s sleeping with a model from Milan who is living here for a while. Our lives are so different!
9 p.m. My husband is watching the news with a glass of wine. I brought him home leftovers. He thanks me and kisses me on the cheek.
DAY FOUR
6 a.m. Wake up wondering if I should have an affair or get divorced. Those seem like my only two options right now. I guess the third option is to stick it out … but I just don’t see my husband making any changes. Is it all on me to accept this life or leave?
9 a.m. I’m setting up a really awesome mural project that my students are going to love. I adore them. For me, being a teacher but not having my own kids is the perfect way to engage with the future of this world.
11 a.m. I pass E as we walk with our students to a school-wide assembly. He says something about “later today?” I think he means drinks, but it’s vague. I feel a jolt of anticipation, not to mention I’m horny as hell. A woman has needs! How is my husband so careless about that?
3 p.m. E pops into the art room. He says he can be ready in ten minutes. We make a plan. I quickly run to the bathroom to brush my teeth (I keep a toothbrush at work!) and freshen up. We meet in front of the school. I’m kind of stunned how open and casual he’s being since anyone who observes us could start gossiping. But maybe this is truly a friend thing and I’m being paranoid. We walk to a new restaurant nearby that all the local parents love. It’s trendy and expensive, but also quiet, dark, and sexy. We sit at the bar.
4 p.m. I honestly know very little about him, so we just talk about our lives. He has kids. His wife makes a ton of money. As we finish our second round, we start joking about another colleague who talks about sex too much, and then I just go for it. “Maybe if I was having that much sex, I’d talk about it constantly too,” I say. Then we’re talking about our sex lives. He tells me he and his wife still have a good sex life but it’s him initiating. His situation sounds pretty normal. I don’t know how to tell him that mine is not. All I really reveal is that we’re in a funk in that department, although I make sure to add that I’ve always been a sexual person. Let him think about that …
5 p.m. He has to head home and get dinner ready for the kids, and we hug good-bye. I don’t know if he’s flirting with me but feels pretty friend zone-y.
6 p.m. I’m tipsy so I walk home and get one more drink, alone, at another bar along the way. There are some young guys in here and as I drink my martini, I fantasize about bringing one into the bathroom and sucking his dick until I choke. But then all the guys leave.
9 p.m. I order in dinner that I eat in bed. If I go to sleep early, maybe my hangover will be less horrible tomorrow. My husband worked late and I hear him getting home, but I don’t even care.
DAY FIVE
6 a.m. I wake up nauseous. I try to throw up but it passes. My husband doesn’t budge from the bed even though I’m gagging in our bathroom.
9 a.m. A full day of work will hopefully distract me from my headache. I think E just wants to be friends so I don’t think much about seeing him today. He also seems pretty committed to his home life; it would be wrong with me to toy with that. He is definitely sexy though.
12 p.m. My sister sends me a picture of her with the Italian model. They’re ridiculously gorgeous together. As I’m looking, E pops his head into the art room. I tell him to come see the picture, since I mentioned my sister last night. He leans over my shoulder to look and our bodies touch. I feel the heat. I really feel the heat. Does he? We last a beat too long looking at the picture and then he takes off.
4 p.m. It’s Friday so I work a little late doing after-school programs. I’m really tired, but it’s a beautiful fall day and the windows are open. It’s not so bad.
6 p.m. On my way home, I decide to stop by the market to make my husband’s favorite meal. It’s a pasta dish we discovered in Italy together when we first fell in love. It’s always been our favorite thing to cook together.
9 p.m. We are cooking dinner and drinking wine and talking about politics. It feels relaxed and married and pleasant. Over dinner, I mention our sex life, and he says it’s going to get better soon, alluding to getting through the election first and then being able to focus more on each other again. I’m not sure what to make of that answer.
DAY SIX
9 a.m. On the weekends, I work out. I have Pilates this morning and later I’ll do some strength training at our gym.
11 a.m. Pilates felt amazing. On my way out of class, I see that E has followed me on Instagram. I don’t post much but there are a few pictures of me dressed up for weddings and one of me in a bikini at my sister’s beach house in the Hamptons. He likes that one! Wow. Bold move.
1 p.m. I look at E’s picture. His kids are super cute. His wife is, well … let’s just say I’m less worried about her after seeing the pictures. I DM him, “Weekend plans?” He doesn’t write back. I get ready for the gym.
3 p.m. My husband plays basketball while I do weights. Then we both do the sauna and steam room. Afterward, we talk about dinner. It’s boring but also relaxing. My mind goes back and forth between this is adulting and life should be better than this. It’s easiest not to think about anything.
7 p.m. E writes back, “Nice bikini pic.” Oh shit! Game is on? Suddenly I feel a bit woozy about it. Am I going to go through with this?
9 p.m. My husband and I are watching a new series together, and as he scrolls through his phone looking at news updates and tweets, suddenly I feel really guilty. Something is broken with my husband right now and cheating on him be the absolute cruelest thing to do. I try to push all the thoughts away.
DAY SEVEN
9 a.m. I’m sore from yesterday, but I have a hot-yoga class this morning. I force myself to get up and go. My husband is going to stay home and clean the apartment. He’s great at doing that!
11:30 a.m. As yoga ends, I sort of feel like crying. The teacher is pretty spiritual and says something about making space for the people we love, even if they’re imperfect; to try to love their flaws and imperfections. A tear falls down my face. I do love my husband. We’re just really struggling right now.
2 p.m. I have never done this before, but I masturbate in the steam room at the gym. No one is in there. I do it so subtly under my towel that if someone walks in, they’ll never know. I have such a powerful orgasm. It’s primal.
5 p.m. Back home in my super clean apartment. I feel calm. Not sure what the future holds for us but I’m happy to be married and not be alone.
7 p.m. We order a pizza and eat it on the roof of our building. My husband asks if I decided where we should go this winter. I suggest Mexico and he says, “Let’s book something tonight.” We go back downstairs and he puts his arm around me in the elevator. It feels wonderful.
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